Today, I was admitted to a private psychiatric hospital in Melbourne. Hence I have started this blog to share what is going on in my head, converse with others about what is going on in their head and help bring awareness to the invisible demon known as mental illness.
I have been low functioning for weeks. Depressed, anxious, helpless. When these emotions kick in, nothing and no one matters, apart from your particular anxieties. Getting to work exactly 5 minutes before shift is far more important than changing your tampon more than once a day. Ensuring you don’t smell, despite not changing your tampon and avoiding other hygienic practises, is far more worrying than not handing in 3 assignments at uni or not turning up to a shift at work at all.
Today I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital and I want to document my recovery.
For some reason, most things seem like such an effort, such a mammoth mountain climb that they are near impossible to complete. Yet there are very few, little things that must be done to maintain some kind of control. And then these can fly out the window with all self-care and motivation too.
I have found this all to be happening these past few weeks. What else have I felt recently?
- unable to sleep
- untrusting of everyone, EVERYONE, including myself
- constant anxiety
- anxiety about anxiety
But the point of this blog, and I suppose my recovery at the moment is to remind myself and others of that last point – invalid.
Validity is necessary for any animal. Puppies are validated by their mothers that playing is OK, ducks validate each other through their soulmate and humans spend our entire lives validating and being validated by others.
But here’s my concern. What about validating yourself? What about saying ‘I feel this and that is OK’ or ‘I want to do this and it is OK or not OK to do this’. I feel like our society spends so much time validating our peers through social media likes or pieces paper saying you achieved something. But what about validating ourselves?
It is hard for me, because of my symptoms, to say ‘What you feel, Holly, is valid. It is real, it is OK and even if it isn’t OK we can work on it’. All we can trust in is ourselves and even that can be a stretch. But it is OK to think how easy it would be to push someone in front of a train or how fun it would be to speed down the highway at 200km/h or how much you don’t want to have sexual relations ever.
It is OK to validate yourself.
Furthermore it’s OK to feel. Anything. Because I believe you can only control feelings to a certain degree and the raw feeling of reaction, that wallows up from deep inside the subconscious is uncontrollable (with exemptions [thanks mental illness]).
Your thoughts and your feelings are, believe it or not, YOURS. Not someone else’s. Don’t let someone tell you that you shouldn’t feel or think something. Action, well that’s another story. But your feelings and thoughts are your own. They are OK. They are yours. You don’t have to share them. You do have to protect yourself. Your thoughts and feelings may go against a majority in society. So be it.
My thoughts and feelings have been skewed by abuse and troubles with development and regulation of chemicals in my brain. OK. Good to know. I validate my thoughts and feelings.
I feel helpless.
I don’t feel real.
I don’t know who I am.
I don’t know whether I’m lazy and weak and if everyone feels the same why I do and just gets on with life.
I can’t think past the next few days.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
I am lost.
I feel broken.
I feel melodramatic but invalid/ignored at the same time.
I feel both that I’m hurting others and that others are hurting me.
There’s nothing wrong with me medically, therefore I think I must be fine.
There is so much wrong with me.
Now imagine that constantly on repeat in your head.